Questionably Kissastrophic
or, When Tira Sees a Kiss
by Mírainawen
-
“Elladan? …You should have kissed Raina.”
“What?”
“You. Should have. Kissed Raina.”
“Wh…why do you say that?”
“Aha! I know that flustered look. You agree with me.”
“Do not. I just don’t understand why you’ve made such an unsubstantiated claim.”
“Unsubstantiated? Posh. I know things. And I know you should have taken your excellent opportunity.”
“Tira, you’re talking nonsense.”
“Am I? Am I really, Elladan?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t sound so certain.”
“What makes you think you know me? You can’t make calls like that.”
“Defensive. Uh-huh. See, you only confirm it.”
“I’m not confirming anything.”
“Well, maybe you’re in denial. In that case, it’s still true. You’re just trying to deny it, obviously, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Whatever. I’m not listening to you.”
“But it’s tru-u-ue.”
“Tira, shut up. You’re being ridiculous.”
“What, I saw that brief hesitation on her cheek, that lingering.”
“There was no lingering.”
“Hey, I saw the unease creeping across your face just now. And your stiff tone speaks volumes.”
“You think you’ve figured something out? Get that smirk off your face.”
“Or what? Are you threatening me, Elladan? Well, how un-grac—”
“Shut up.”
“How rude. But I shan’t. And I don’t see why you didn’t just go ahead and kiss her then.”
“A Kiss Cam is a most horrible and lurid invention of your people.”
“Lurid? You mean juicy? As in—”
“No! …Stop smirking. What I meant is that it’s…it’s…”
“Tantalizing?”
“Obscene.”
“Oooh. That’s a strong word. I dunno. Maybe you’re just an obscurantist.”
“Tira.”
“Your glares don’t faze me. They make me think of your father, rather, and we all know where that leads.”
“Punishment?”
“Ha! You only wish.”
“Believe me, Ada was very tempted to put you on stable duty if that giggling kept up.”
“But it didn’t, and I was an angel.”
“Please.”
“You know, don’t think I haven’t noticed you changed the subject. I rode it out for interest’s sake, but speaking of interest, let’s get back to Raina. Hey, why that blanched look?”
“If you’re implying I have an interest in Raina, I’d rather you didn’t. That’s—”
“Exactly what you’ve been dancing around all this time?”
“No. That’s not true.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Oh, but for your peace of mind, I should. But I don’t. Which means… Come on, Elladan. Which means…”
“No peace for me.”
“Excellent! He can be taught!”
“Tira, just go away.”
“No can do, cracker-jack. I’m not finished. There’s still more to talk about!”
“Yay for me.”
“Don’t be sarcastic. Now, as I was saying, you should have kissed her.”
“Tira!”
“I knew it!”
“You. Don’t know. Anything.”
“Oh, I do! I dooooo! …What, now you’re not replying?”
“Tira, just leave me alone.”
“And you’re not trying to deny it anymore. I must be wearing you down. So come on, out with it…just say it…”
“No.”
“Come on, Elladan, it’s easy. Say…”
“What.”
“Say you like her!”
“I don’t.”
“Gasp! What?”
“Valar, Tira, get that look off your face. I like her—”
“Aha!”
“As a friend.”
“All of it lies! Lies, Elladan! Lies!”
“I don’t. Like her. Like that.”
“And why not? She’s really quite something, isn’t she? …Isn’t she?”
“Is’pose.”
“I’m sorry, mumbling isn’t proper. I couldn’t understand that clearly enough. What did you say?”
“I. Suppose.”
“And…”
“I didn’t say anything else.”
“No, but you were thinking it!”
“I was not.”
“Aha! I didn’t say what you were thinking! You keep filling in the gaps of what I’m saying, interpreting things as you’d rather. And that says a lot.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You filled in the meaning of juicy, and you’re the one who drew the conclusion of an interest in Raina. I didn’t say that. You said it first. …Speechless! I win! I win!”
“Go away.”
“No. See, I’m not so clear on what your issue is. It’s only a kiss, and I retract what I said in Rivendell the day you met her. Well, somewhat. She’s 16 now, so it’s not as bad, but granted, she is still young, and you’d still better keep your hands to yourself in those areas, because I’m not interested in hanging with paedophiles and cradle-robbers.”
“TIRA!”
“Hey, no need to shout. But granted, it is worth it, the look on your face right now.”
“Leave me. Alone.”
“I already said no can do, Elladan!”
“Tira, please just go away.”
“But you lingered!”
“I - did - not!”
“And your defensiveness speaks for you! Denial’ll get you nowhere!”
“Oh Valar, Tira, go away.”
“You lingered, you lingered, you lingered. Do you like my sing-songy voice, Elladan? You lingered, you lingered—hey, it’s got a nice ring to it! You lingered, you lingered, you lingered!”
“Shut. Up.”
“Moody. That also says a lot. Come on, just admit it and I will leave you alone. What, exactly, are your feelings toward her?”
“I already told you.”
“Oh, so you really like her. You loooove her.”
“I. Never. Said that.”
“You didn’t have to, not in words at least. I’ve seen the way you look at her.”
“I…I… what? I do not look at her like…like that. Whatever way you think I look at her. I don’t.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“Nothing, just thought it’d work better than that. Fine. I haven’t really noticed any special way you look at her.”
“You haven’t?”
“What, should I have? …Heehee. That cornered look on your face, the unease, the edginess, the blush—”
“I’m not blushing.”
“Yeah, you are. And you have several times already. Anyway. The surprise that I hadn’t…well, well. That says mucho much, it does! So, ready to fess up now, dear elf?”
“No.”
“Pity. I guess that means more plying.”
“I’m not ‘ready to fess up,’ as you put it, because there’s nothing to fess up about!”
“Yes, there is! You like Raina!”
“I already admitted that!”
“But not the way I want you to!”
“Not the way you want me to? You have a particular way you want me to like Raina?”
“No, you already like her a certain particular way. ‘The way I want you to’ referred to me wanting you to admit to that.”
“I’m not admitting to…to that. There’s nothing to admit to.”
“Denial. De-ni-al. Denial, denial, denial!”
“Tira.”
“You’re so hard-headed, Elladan. It’s like pulling teeth with you. I’ll get you to admit it eventually! You can’t convince me there’s nothing, because you’ve always treated her a bit strangely.”
“You know, I think I hear Elrohir calling me.”
“He is. What is your point?”
“Excuse me, I have to go.”
“I’ll get it out of you eventually, Elladan! I will! You lingered!”
“SHUT UP!”
“Heehee.”
“What?”
“You. Should have. Kissed Raina.”
“Wh…why do you say that?”
“Aha! I know that flustered look. You agree with me.”
“Do not. I just don’t understand why you’ve made such an unsubstantiated claim.”
“Unsubstantiated? Posh. I know things. And I know you should have taken your excellent opportunity.”
“Tira, you’re talking nonsense.”
“Am I? Am I really, Elladan?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t sound so certain.”
“What makes you think you know me? You can’t make calls like that.”
“Defensive. Uh-huh. See, you only confirm it.”
“I’m not confirming anything.”
“Well, maybe you’re in denial. In that case, it’s still true. You’re just trying to deny it, obviously, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Whatever. I’m not listening to you.”
“But it’s tru-u-ue.”
“Tira, shut up. You’re being ridiculous.”
“What, I saw that brief hesitation on her cheek, that lingering.”
“There was no lingering.”
“Hey, I saw the unease creeping across your face just now. And your stiff tone speaks volumes.”
“You think you’ve figured something out? Get that smirk off your face.”
“Or what? Are you threatening me, Elladan? Well, how un-grac—”
“Shut up.”
“How rude. But I shan’t. And I don’t see why you didn’t just go ahead and kiss her then.”
“A Kiss Cam is a most horrible and lurid invention of your people.”
“Lurid? You mean juicy? As in—”
“No! …Stop smirking. What I meant is that it’s…it’s…”
“Tantalizing?”
“Obscene.”
“Oooh. That’s a strong word. I dunno. Maybe you’re just an obscurantist.”
“Tira.”
“Your glares don’t faze me. They make me think of your father, rather, and we all know where that leads.”
“Punishment?”
“Ha! You only wish.”
“Believe me, Ada was very tempted to put you on stable duty if that giggling kept up.”
“But it didn’t, and I was an angel.”
“Please.”
“You know, don’t think I haven’t noticed you changed the subject. I rode it out for interest’s sake, but speaking of interest, let’s get back to Raina. Hey, why that blanched look?”
“If you’re implying I have an interest in Raina, I’d rather you didn’t. That’s—”
“Exactly what you’ve been dancing around all this time?”
“No. That’s not true.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Oh, but for your peace of mind, I should. But I don’t. Which means… Come on, Elladan. Which means…”
“No peace for me.”
“Excellent! He can be taught!”
“Tira, just go away.”
“No can do, cracker-jack. I’m not finished. There’s still more to talk about!”
“Yay for me.”
“Don’t be sarcastic. Now, as I was saying, you should have kissed her.”
“Tira!”
“I knew it!”
“You. Don’t know. Anything.”
“Oh, I do! I dooooo! …What, now you’re not replying?”
“Tira, just leave me alone.”
“And you’re not trying to deny it anymore. I must be wearing you down. So come on, out with it…just say it…”
“No.”
“Come on, Elladan, it’s easy. Say…”
“What.”
“Say you like her!”
“I don’t.”
“Gasp! What?”
“Valar, Tira, get that look off your face. I like her—”
“Aha!”
“As a friend.”
“All of it lies! Lies, Elladan! Lies!”
“I don’t. Like her. Like that.”
“And why not? She’s really quite something, isn’t she? …Isn’t she?”
“Is’pose.”
“I’m sorry, mumbling isn’t proper. I couldn’t understand that clearly enough. What did you say?”
“I. Suppose.”
“And…”
“I didn’t say anything else.”
“No, but you were thinking it!”
“I was not.”
“Aha! I didn’t say what you were thinking! You keep filling in the gaps of what I’m saying, interpreting things as you’d rather. And that says a lot.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You filled in the meaning of juicy, and you’re the one who drew the conclusion of an interest in Raina. I didn’t say that. You said it first. …Speechless! I win! I win!”
“Go away.”
“No. See, I’m not so clear on what your issue is. It’s only a kiss, and I retract what I said in Rivendell the day you met her. Well, somewhat. She’s 16 now, so it’s not as bad, but granted, she is still young, and you’d still better keep your hands to yourself in those areas, because I’m not interested in hanging with paedophiles and cradle-robbers.”
“TIRA!”
“Hey, no need to shout. But granted, it is worth it, the look on your face right now.”
“Leave me. Alone.”
“I already said no can do, Elladan!”
“Tira, please just go away.”
“But you lingered!”
“I - did - not!”
“And your defensiveness speaks for you! Denial’ll get you nowhere!”
“Oh Valar, Tira, go away.”
“You lingered, you lingered, you lingered. Do you like my sing-songy voice, Elladan? You lingered, you lingered—hey, it’s got a nice ring to it! You lingered, you lingered, you lingered!”
“Shut. Up.”
“Moody. That also says a lot. Come on, just admit it and I will leave you alone. What, exactly, are your feelings toward her?”
“I already told you.”
“Oh, so you really like her. You loooove her.”
“I. Never. Said that.”
“You didn’t have to, not in words at least. I’ve seen the way you look at her.”
“I…I… what? I do not look at her like…like that. Whatever way you think I look at her. I don’t.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“Nothing, just thought it’d work better than that. Fine. I haven’t really noticed any special way you look at her.”
“You haven’t?”
“What, should I have? …Heehee. That cornered look on your face, the unease, the edginess, the blush—”
“I’m not blushing.”
“Yeah, you are. And you have several times already. Anyway. The surprise that I hadn’t…well, well. That says mucho much, it does! So, ready to fess up now, dear elf?”
“No.”
“Pity. I guess that means more plying.”
“I’m not ‘ready to fess up,’ as you put it, because there’s nothing to fess up about!”
“Yes, there is! You like Raina!”
“I already admitted that!”
“But not the way I want you to!”
“Not the way you want me to? You have a particular way you want me to like Raina?”
“No, you already like her a certain particular way. ‘The way I want you to’ referred to me wanting you to admit to that.”
“I’m not admitting to…to that. There’s nothing to admit to.”
“Denial. De-ni-al. Denial, denial, denial!”
“Tira.”
“You’re so hard-headed, Elladan. It’s like pulling teeth with you. I’ll get you to admit it eventually! You can’t convince me there’s nothing, because you’ve always treated her a bit strangely.”
“You know, I think I hear Elrohir calling me.”
“He is. What is your point?”
“Excuse me, I have to go.”
“I’ll get it out of you eventually, Elladan! I will! You lingered!”
“SHUT UP!”
“Heehee.”